Shadow Clues
Here is a short video series I'm doing on Instagram this week where I introduce a few "Shadow Clues". Shadow Clues are flags that indicate when a Shadow is close-by. Shadows are blind spots to us making them hard to identify on our own and these Shadow Clues point us in their direction.
Shadow Clue #1
When we make absolute statements using the terms “always” and “never” when describing ourselves, we are trying to distance ourselves from being seen as one type of person and near ourselves to being seen as its opposite. Notice when those terms pop up in your language: who are trying to present yourself as, and who are your trying to say you nothing like? The Shadow exists in the latter.
Shadow Clue #2: Projection
I think of projection like an ugly outfit that hangs in your closet and is a family heirloom, so you can’t get rid of it, but you wouldn’t dare be seen in it yourself, so you hook the hanger around someone else’s neck so it appears they are wearing it instead.
We create a lot of distance between ourselves and other people when we make them wear our ugly outfits. Not only are we missing knowing key components of our own personality, it closes us off from fully seeing the person standing in front of us, which leaves out any room for intimacy.
Shadow Clue #3: Shame
“The quintessential elicitor of shame is unwanted identity.” ~(Brene Brown quoting “other shame researchers”)
SHAME is one of (what I call) the “Prison Guards” to our Shadows. When a behavior appears that doesn’t line up with how we see ourselves (shadow), SHAME steps in and tears us to pieces hoping we will learn our lesson to never let that behavior see the light of day again. It takes the corporal punishment approach to making us perfect. (I think we can all agree that’s never been a very effective path. See the movie, “Whiplash” for an extreme & heart-wrenching example of this.)
As Brene Brown teaches, shames’ kryptonite is transparency. “It can’t survive once it’s languaged”, meaning: once we face and acknowledge it, we can’t be blindsided by it.
What part of you do you fear being seen by others? Shame will tell you. Get to know that part of you and abolish shame from your life forever.
Shadow Clue #4: Emotional Triggers
I once had a roommate who told lies. It used to light my ass on 🔥! Our other roommate was never bothered by his lying. Why? Because he wasn’t afraid of his inner liar. He understood its value.
Not me. When I saw the liar show up in someone I judged it with a fierce aggression. I value integrity and I give a lot of energy to making sure people know it dammit! It wasn’t until I was able to understand and accept my inner liar that I stopped being so triggered by it in others.
I learned that my inner liar is a hilarious storyteller that makes my life experiences more entertaining to my friends when I retell them with a bit more flare than what really happened. I discovered that my inner liar was seeking connection and although my roommates inner liar expressed itself different than mine, it had the same goal. Once I came to this understanding with my inner liar, I had a TON MORE compassion and understanding with my roommate’s. We were finally able to have a conversation around our relationship and how he felt disconnected from me and this was all due to my exploration of my triggers. What do you get triggered by?
Why bother with the Shadow?
The other day someone asked me, “Why should I care about finding my Shadows?”
Think about the clues I shared with you this week, wouldn’t it be nice to not feel shame, be less reactive, take ownership of your thoughts & feelings, and have a clear sense of who you are?
When we live in a Shadow mindset (meaning, we keep turning our backs on them and let them run the show), there is always a part of us that feels incomplete. It’s as if we know there is something more we are meant to do or be, but we can’t put our finger on it and that’s because we haven’t been able to see ourselves fully. We are missing out on major aspects of our personality. Parts that tripped us up when we were young, but are vital to this chapter in our lives.
My upcoming Shadow workshops are opportunities to meet those beautiful, powerful, and integral parts.
