What are you making your partner wear for you?

Shadow Clue #2 from my video series last week is PROJECTION. We project on to others what we don't want to own ourselves.

Projection states that my relationships are a reflection of me, so if something isn't working and patterns emerge, there is a part of me that is attracting it AND attracted to it.

I noticed a pattern that the men I attracted to shared a fear-of-intimacy. I pushed, nagged, begged, and belittled them to try and get them to change it about themselves. Projection says, “If you spot it, you got it!” but that’s easier to say than own.

My story (self-view) was that I had done a lot of work on myself and was a wide-open book for emotional presence. At least that’s the person I really wanted to be. I swore it was my partners that were afraid of intimacy and not me: “I’m ALWAYS an open book with someone I love. Men NEVER want to be vulnerable no matter how hard I try!” (See Shadow Clue #1 below)

Unknowingly, I sought out men that had the same fear so I could blame them and their fear of intimacy instead of owning mine. This way I could convince myself that I was the emotionally available and mature woman I really wanted to be.

With some courage and honesty I was able to admit to myself that I WAS THE ONE with intimacy problems. Intimacy is scary!! I have abandonment issues from the loss of my parents early on in my life and sharing myself with someone felt terrifying and risky. I spent my childhood (unknowingly) armoring up to protect myself from feeling the pain of that kind of loss again. ❤️

I hated to think of myself as someone who was scared of vulnerability—I was studying to be a coach for crying out loud! But, once I discovered that I had a fear-of-intimacy there was no avoiding it.💕

With time and support from my own coach, I worked through a lot of it and now I don’t attract to men who are afraid of intimacy (or at least I recognize them when I do). I no longer need them around to mask mine. The braver I get, the more attracted I am to men who are brave. (And, look at me now, sharing all of this with you!)

What are you making your partners own for you?