What happens when we are the antagonist?

When we talk about toxic relationship behaviors like gaslighting, love-bombing, or ghosting, it's usually in the context of how bad it feels to be the VICTIM* of them, while pointing the finger at someone else as the culprit. But what happens when we are the ones carrying out TOXIC* behaviors?

Rarely do we hear someone admit they have a bad habit of gaslighting their partner (i.e., the act of manipulating someone causing them doubt their perspective). Many who do probably don’t know they are doing it, and even if they become aware of it, the behavior is so harmful and criticized that it’s unlikely they’d admit it out loud. So how do we reconcile it when we are the one doing harm?

We like to see ourselves as the heroic protagonist in all of our encounters, so when we behave in ways that don’t line up with that image we brush it out of our mind convincing ourselves it's not really us and judging it when we see it in others, ironically, gaslighting ourselves.

The problem is, there is a part of us that is aware of this internal manipulation and it makes us feel bad, but we aren’t sure why we feel bad, so we hide from relationships creating a moat around ourselves that others can’t cross. We might even convince ourselves that there is no one out there who is worthy of our efforts. In truth, we are afraid of what we will see of ourselves in relationship so we keep those parts hidden in Shadow and mindlessly use the TOXIC behaviors to protect them.

This is why exploring Shadow is so important. Programs like Shadow Alchemy empower us with a structure for locating and mindfully managing these unfavorable behaviors. In it, we learn how they came to exist in us and how to lovingly release them.